Praying for the Festa to be over so I could sleep again.
This week saw the end of the Festa de São João and after 9 nights straight of dancing until anywhere from 2:00 am to 5:30am, I was decidedly ready for the festa to come to an end. Lençois has returned to relative peace and tranquility and I have definitely accomplished more on my research in the last three days than during the entire prior week (not that observing peoples’ interactions during a party isn’t research). I also decided to move into a house closer to the neighborhood where I am doing my interviews. Rather than a 20-30 minute walk away, I am now a neighborhood away. Yes, I loved my cute little apartment but I’ve been lucky enough to find a house that is not only closer to my research site, but is also in the center of town, a mere 10 minute walk to my favorite river spot, has a great veranda and view of the town, AND is half the price of the other place. Plus the house itself has a lot of character- large windows with wooden shutters, ceramic tiling, and high ceilings. The catch is I am sharing the 3-bedroom house with my friend’s boyfriend; he’s a climbing guide so he is often away, but I know I’ll miss having complete privacy.
I’ve done several interviews and have had a multitude of conversations surrounding the topics of relationships, separation and divorce. Every time I tell someone about my research they start telling me their story. Between both my informal conversations and the formal ones I am afraid I am starting to feel heavy with the weight of their stories and cynicism is creeping up on me. I have yet to meet someone who has not been separated or divorced, or who believes that lifelong love and commitment is possible anymore. The ultimate demise of the majority of the relationships here is spoken about as a matter of fact, yet every woman speaks of her disappointment, sadness and pain when her relationships come to an end. Most of the women I’ve spoken with talk about separation/divorce as a good thing. They consider it an example of an improvement in women’s rights and a testament to the fact that women “don’t have to just put up with it” anymore (it being anything from adultery, abuse, vagrancy, etc), and I agree. Yet none of them enjoy or enjoyed being single; thus, they are all seeking or have found another partner. In fact many of them have been married several times, each for a few years at a time. There is a somewhat sad irony to a situation where people who believe long lasting relationships are not possible continue to seek out relationships that will eventually hurt them; a true case of “it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” As I try to understand this and many other things I am discovering, I find myself wondering- is it possible for relationships to last happily, through good times and bad for as long as both people should live? Do we still live in a world where this is a reality?
I am grateful for the fact that in my life I have many examples of commitment and love, but what if you come from a community where those examples do not exist? Or, to play devil’s advocate, is the idea of being with one person your entire life outdated, unrealistic and unnecessary? Were these values constructed by a Western society that is changing so dramatically that they can no longer exist? What are the pros and cons to spending “the rest of your life” with the same person? I ask these questions and yet I hold onto the hope that it is possible. However, I acknowledge that my “hope” is itself a product of the society within which I was raised, and my romantic fantasy of finding a lifelong partner is the residue of movies, television, books and social memory. Ultimately I wonder this: are people happier coming from a society that believes in lifelong love and yearning for that, OR can one be equally happy completely confidant that this notion does not exist in reality, if it has never been part of their reality (just the sureality of telenovelas and movies)?
View from the veranda of my new house
View from the veranda of my new house
Conzinha Americana
I love the architecture of these old houses!
Dang, dude. That's some heavy shit. Suggest hightailing it down to the river with a cold cevesa and escaping it for a bit. :) Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteHey Melanie,
ReplyDeleteNice blog. It's funny, I've been thinking about these same types of questions recently, about relationships - is a lifelong relationship, which I've heard lately began mostly due to agricultural lifestyles, outdated? Have you heard of or read Helen Fisher? She's an anthropologist who studies love and relationships, and while I'm not sure I agree with all her theories, she does provide interesting food for thought (like that agriculture, which tied people to one place rather than hunter-gatherer societies, changed our views on lifelong monogamy). Some of her stuff suggests that humans aren't programmed for lifelong relationships, but rather more for serial monogamy - just enough time to bear and raise a kid until they can function somewhat as a human (4-5 years).
Anyway, just thought it was interesting that you were experiencing some of this - it is pretty cynical, but so are some of the other love theories out there, like the idea that we each have only one soulmate out and if we don't find him/her, we're screwed.
Sounds like overall you're having a wonderful time though...I'm definitely, definitely envious :)
Gigi